Many times in my life, I’ve stopped and wondered if I’m living a fantasy. I don’t do it because things are going so well, I do it because I start realizing things aren’t going the way I thought they should. The problem is that statement, do I get complacent with my life? Do I take things for granted? When I’m making out with my wife, and she pushes me away, is it really because the reasons she gives, or have I allowed the romance to die when I thought it was burning strong?
Sometime in my youth, I discovered that sex can be a beautiful proclamation of love between two people. Yes, it can be everything else sex has become, but it can be so much more. When I’m making love with my wife, I can feel her soul there with me, and it feels as if my soul is reaching for hers. Sometimes I feel weightless, like I’m floating with her in a void of bliss.
It’s a truly beautiful feeling, a shared experience, one that I treasure. But...is it shared? Or has sex just become a chore? When should I stop and try to analyze the situation and figure out what the problem is.
I grew up from that sometime in my youth, and partially gave up on my romantization of sex when I finally started having it. But every partner I’ve ever had, except the one I married, always lacked something. That spiritual connection was never there. I wanted it to be, but...yeah. I went from lover to lover hoping to find what I wanted to find in my youth, and honestly I simply gave up.
But now that I found it, I’ve experienced it, I’m given pause to wonder if this religious experience was all in my head.... If that’s so, then who am I really? Do I fantasize too much about things, romanticize things that are just in fact mundane acts of passing the time?
Am I really so much of a dreamer I’m living in some fantasy world that doesn’t exist?
My entire life is about to change, it has to. I have to find out what is wrong with me, if there is something wrong. My priorities are obviously in the wrong places and I’m obviously doing something wrong. The sheer fact I don’t know what that is, brings me pause in the worst way. Is my romantic view of life something that is part of me, is it who I am, or is it something I need to divest myself of to get my life back on track?
When I look at it in a certain light, I’ve been doing nothing but harming myself and Lisa for a very long time. My days of idol could have been spent better than chasing dreams and pass times. I honestly had hopes that my dreams could be achieved, but I’ve wasted too much time, time that can’t be just made up, time that is lost forever.
I still believe passion is one of the most important parts of every relationship, if it doesn’t exist there isn’t a relationship. Luckily, passion to me, doesn’t mean sex. It means other things. Believing in your spouse, pushing them to be the best they can be, making sure they smile.... There’s nothing more important to me than seeing my wife smile. I just wished I had realized...some of the things that I was doing to make her smile...was making me smile more....
As of today, I’m taking a break from the blog. There are things I need to focus on more right now. The Ballad of the Emerald Bard will continue to at least the holiday special, set to come out on the 28th. Someday, I hope to come back to it all, but looking at my revenue for over a years worth of blogging from Google Adsense, its obvious that this is nothing but a hobby.
I wish you all the best, in every endeavor you partake in with your life, I hope your Journey is worth the Travels, and one day, I hope we meet again. So, until that day, I bid you, goodbye, goodnight, and may the Goddess of Music sing your song to the stars, so they will shine brightly upon us all.
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