The time I learned how to pretend to smile.

Most people don’t know this, but I went through a very large portion of my life, faking laughter and smiles.  I actually got quite good at it.  At times, its hard not to think about that period of my life as the ‘dark time’ but the fact is, there was quite a bit of good in it.

During that time, I had completely given up on happiness, and started to acquire habits that were extremely hard to get rid of.  I suppose that’s how its supposed to work, the whole idle hands thing.



The most interesting part about this is, though, that I’d bet most don’t know when that time was for me.  I guess that’s also kinda sad, as this period of my life was the most influential of any other time in my life.

You know the old psychology question, “If life is a play, and everyone has their part, what part do you play?”  Are you the lead character?  Are you a supporting character?  Are an antagonist?  Lets get a bit outside the box, are you maybe the director?  Script writer?  Producer?  Better yet...what part do you think I play?

During the most unhappy portion of my life, I learned that I was the audience.  That’s right, I’m the one sitting in the crowd watching it all.

The cool thing is, I pay attention, I learn from watching other people’s mistakes.  I’ve watched romances, death, degradation, and hilarity.  I’ve witnessed just about every plot life can throw at someone.  I watched how people reacted in those situations, and came up with conclusions.

Then, I hit highschool.  Suddenly, I could answer people’s life’s questions.  They’d come to me for all manor of questions, and I could sit back, think about it, and give them an honest answer.  Suddenly I was a ‘wise man’ that could help even the most lost individual.

It was an odd transition, going from this well of unhappiness, of being lost in life, of just existing, to what I became.  I pulled together friends from all aspects of highschool life, and somehow we formed a family.  The nerdy smart kids hung around with some jocks who hung around with the creative outcasts.  And we all sat at the same table at lunch, far away from the cafeteria.



During that time of unhappiness, there WERE moments of joy, but they were few and far between.  I would wear a particular piece of clothing to school every day, and somehow identify with it.  On the weekends I had friends outside of school, the neighborhood kids, to hang with.  I had video games and Star Trek The Next Generation.  My imagination ran free and wild, and I sat back and watched life happen for so many people.

I’ve always said that one must appreciate the darkness within their own soul to truly understand the light.  I have met people in life, that saw the darkness behind my eyes, and got scared and ran from my life.  I’ve met those that were attracted to it for all the wrong reasons.

What I can tell you is this.  I wouldn’t change my life, because it made me who I am.  It definitely wasn’t a horrible life, just at times it just overflowed with unhappiness, which isn’t exactly sadness.  I’d do it all again for sure, without hesitation.  Life is special and beautiful, and to think about it versus never existing, seems ludicrous on an insane level.  I am who I am because I was allowed to become me naturally.  Its hard not to be grateful, awe-inspired, and moved all at the same time.  And it all happened, because I lived a portion of my life, where I had to learn how to fake laughter and smilies.

The Completion of Ourself

One of the things I direly wished for in a life partner was the ability to bounce ideas off, and have ideas bounced off in return.  When I discovered Lisa, I wondered, deep down, if I had found this rare quality....

Once, in what seems like a very long time ago, I was stuck in writing this massive fantasy novel, which I never completed because of other reasons.  But, that’s not the point.  The point is, I was stuck.  I had written myself into corner.  And honestly, I was lost.

(poem) - A Day Made for Writing

Sometimes the sky
Just begs to rain
Yet all it does
Is make the sunlight wane

The darkness of rain clouds
Covers the land
And a cool breeze makes you think
A storm is at hand

Yet the ground stays dry
No matter the humidity
That makes everyone’s hair
All big and poofy

This is a day
For dreamy contemplation
And sitting inside
Enjoying warm commemoration

I never view a day like this
As dark and dreary
Days like this make a dream
Seem like a warm memory

Something to be cherished
And cultivated
Grown into a plot
Of a novel to be celebrated

These are the days
That I enjoy experiencing
Even if they are really no good
For going out photographing

A dark grey sky
Is an invitation to write
To pull out creativity
And form stories with an ink blot

Scribble away
Mighty hand of mine
Write letters on this page
Make my stories shine

With a light that is not seen
Just like the window’s absent sunbeam
Make sure my wit it keen
For today I am writing a story, scene by scene.

--Dan

--Want more Poetry?  Check out my Poetry Collection Page!

A Rant on What Drugs Mean to Me.

This is a hard one to start, because I don’t know if I should start with a disclaimer or not.  In the end, I guess I should.  Let me start by saying that I support legalizing marijuana, but I think that people that use it are a detriment to society, sad people, and weak.

Crazy huh?  I’ve always been a firm believer in the fact that if people want to do it, then they should be allowed to.  Laws are there to protect people, but in the end, if used in moderation the outward effects on society are negligible, and probably not as bad as alcohol.

What's in a Name?

So what IS in a name?  Sure, it might be a quote from a play from a very long time ago, but in the end, it has meaning within the play.  To me though, it has a different meaning.  If you lined all my best friends up, and asked them to call me over by my name, they’d call me by 2 or 3 different names.

As with most things in my life, even the simplest things, there’s some grandiose story that goes along with everything.  Its like...nothing in my life can ever be simple.  Not even my name....