My Shame

Have you ever had one of those life events that just opens up some crazy can of worms that has to change everything?  Ever have to tell one of those stories where you don’t know where you should even start?  A story where even the beginning is a poor choice?  Let me try to start it, even though, no matter where I start it, it loses the point.  Ugh….

Recently, my mother passed away.  As with most parental passings it caused quite a bit of emotional discharge from those closest.  And with all emotional discharge comes the things that you just cannot explain.  The problem with starting the story here is that the issues started months before her passing, it started with her getting sick.

My Own Search for Happiness

There’s something beautiful to me about stories where some guy goes on some kind of elaborate journey to find happiness.  I think it reminds me of my own journey.  I know at the beginning of it all I felt like it was going to be some epic thing….

My journey started with a simple concept.  Well…I say it was simple.  It all started with the search for love, who I am, what happiness was, and the escape from the madness that dwelled within me from being stuck in the dead end of dead ends.  At 21, I had already had two crazy brushes with love and one relationship where it was obvious that nothing was going to work out.  The pieces of my heart were not going to pick themselves up by themselves and nothing was ever going to be picked up within the confines of the life I was living.  So, I set off….

How Reading and Writing Showed Me How to Live

As part of my time in college, I took English Composition I and had to write a few essays.  Three of them were a major part of my grade.  The first essay was the Personal Narrative Essay which was turned in on Sept. 10th. 2014.

I ended up getting a 98 out of 100 on it.  The final comment said, "Your essay provides ample everyday imagery and detail to fully address the prompt.  Your ideas are complete and engaging.  Watch out for sentence fragments and grammar."

Anyways, many people wanted to read it for themselves, so here it is, I hope you enjoy it!

Free Write 02: The Best Place in the World

Now that I've gone and aced my English Composition I class I've decided to share some of the selections of writing that I had to do in it.  Every Monday morning we had to pull out a sheet of paper and free write an essay over some subject or another for part of the participation grade.  This one, I actually had a date on, which I'm surprised by.  10/1/14.  Anyways, here's the second Free Write I'm sharing.

We were asked to write an essay about the best place in the world, more or less.  So here it is, free write number 2.

The end of 2014, and the beginning of 2015

Another year, come and gone.  Doesn’t seem like its been so many, but I’ve almost witness forty of them.  So many ups and downs; rights, lefts, and wrongs; and everything in between.  The year of 2014 is hard to sum up in words.  It was a roller coaster to say the least.  I took a break from the blog, landed a job, and Lisa and I started working.

But the job never truly panned out.  We could never get enough hours to truly make it worth it, and when we did work, it was completely nuts.  We had a horrible boss and iffy coworkers.  There were many times we both almost quit, but we stuck through it.  Sometime towards summer though, two things changed....

She's Been There, from the beginning....

“Well there’s a piece of Maria in every song that I sing.
And the price of a memory is the memory of the sorrow it brings.”
– Mrs. Potter’s Lullaby - Counting Crows

Many lyrics over many years have resonated deeply within me, from Counting Crows’ songs especially.  Mrs. Potter’s Lullaby has a few I quote quite a bit, but the one I just quoted above, has a very specific meaning to me....

Language Fails Me

Words are slippery things in the English language.  I have a friend who was in the Navy being a linguist.  Since he had a better understanding of languages, he always said, “English is the best language in the world.”  Personally, I disagree.

I disagree on many points.  The fact is, I cannot say many things without some string of adjectives in front of it to define what the heck it is I’m trying to say.  I think that’s pretty dumb.  I can’t tell someone I love them as a friend, without tacking on a bunch of stuff, because if I don’t tack on that crap, then suddenly I’m in love and my entire marriage is in jeopardy.

(poem) - Nightmares

I remember dreams

Where I’d wake up alive

Landing safely upon the ground

After some fateful, deadly dive

I’m sure the screams

Woke my lover

Because of life’s

Living horror

I missed my chance

To die in the night

Being forced to life

Eternity’s blight

When death visits

In a World gone Mad

Those are the dreams

That are (supposed to be) the best I’ve ever had.

But the horror of living

On without you

Is upon me now

And there is nothing I can do

Alone

I fear it now

My bad dreams

Are nightmares of surviving

In a dreary world

Without loving

The world of before

Where living was a tedium

Of managing

Life’s great doldrums

Passing the time away

For when death finally comes

Playing games and watching TV

Ignoring my heart’s rhythmic drum

Yet now I have a reason

To truly live for each day

And I want to seize it all

In every sort of way

But the end of the dream will come

How can it not?

That end visits me in my dreams

Showing me life is all for naught

For in the end

That’s what dreams are for

To show us all the spectrums

Of what we most and least long for

--Dan

--Want more Poetry?  Check out my Poetry Collection Page!

(poem) - A Sadness, Deep Within

I’m a helpless slave
To my own addictions
And I’m destroying the world
That I exist in.

They say admitting it
Is the first step to recovery
But it makes me burry myself deeper
As the lines become even more blurry

I’m on a sinking ship
Drilling more holes
Hoping beyond hope
That we stay afloat

Screw the reason
Screw the rhyme
We will make it through
Somehow

But as surely as the sun
Rises in the East
I have given rise
To a rancorous beast

I’m in the throws
Of a raging depression
Yet I’m as happy
As a freeborn lark

I sing in the trees
Proclaiming my happiness
But deep inside
There’s a growing fear of emptiness

Change is coming
Despite our attempts
Its coming to claim our lives
As it holds us in contempt

I see it linger
Upon the horizon
Its watching me closely
Keeping its eyes on

Sadly enough
I know what I have to do
But doing it is hard
Because it involves a tight screw

To work in this world
You have to sell your soul
Give your life away
To feed the banker’s world

I always knew
There would come a day
When there would be
A price to pay

I’ve never mind paying it
But this time I’m not alone
So the price to pay
Will be higher

What will happen next
Is anyone’s guess
But I see the writing on the wall
Yet I know the value of bliss

We will get through it
Somehow
In each other’s hands
As we are now

In the end
That’s what its all about
Not
The size of the trout

Tomorrow is another day
And it brings in the light
Which banishes
All the fright

No matter how bad it will be
I have my wife next to me

We will weather the storm
Without getting overly forlorn

And do what we have to do
Because she once told me
“I love you.”

--Dan

--Want more Poetry?  Check out my Poetry Collection Page!

For Those Who Don't Deserve

There are many things I simply do not have time for in my life.  I think the most important thing, though, is people who flat out don’t deserve my time.  Those people who hate, those people talk trash when they are in no position to.  Those people who need to learn how to think before they open their mouths.

Lisa herself learned something major about me recently.  I had told her many times, but nothing major truly sinks in until its demonstrated.  I’ve lived by a motto that says, “I never forgive, and I never forget.”

Defining Friendship and Family

The one thing about the English language, that you have to get down quickly, is the definitions of things.  Some words can sound the same, but have different meanings.  Some words actually have meanings, but mean different things to different people.  The best example, is friendship and family.

Friend:

 a person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations.

Family:

a. A fundamental social group in society typically consisting of one or two parents and their children.
b. Two or more people who share goals and values, have long-term commitments to one another, and reside usually in the same dwelling place.

(poem) - To My Friends, those who stayed, and those who didn't.

Love comes and goes
As does friendship's throws
Dreams flourish and die
Right before thine eye

The past will shine a light
Upon the future's plight
And give you the strength you need
To do heartfelt deeds

Even after the lights have faded
And your attitude becomes overly jaded
Fate will have his merry way
And the gods will balance themselves every day

And you will feel hate and war
As much as love longs for more
Music will fill the air
And Magic's electricity will raise your hair

Life 'tis an amazing thing
It makes me laugh and sing
Even as bad as it can be
I still find a way to live free

From all the chains that bind me down
And things that make me want to frown
It pains me to see my friends hurt
And their relationships turn to dirt

But I know they will move on
And be the best they'll ever become
The things I've seen and witnessed
Will never go past a friend's distress

Because a friend I am, a friend indeed
Especially if they have the need
For them I'm ready to bleed
Or even see to it they are freed

From whatever oppresses them
In whatever form
I'm just happy to be there for my friends
Because they are my true family, in the end

So no matter what life throws at anyone
I know my friends will survive, every one
Even if their love dies and their dreams whither
Me and my friends will always be together.

--Dan

--Want more Poetry?  Check out my Poetry Collection Page!

Giving Thanks 2013.

Not very much has fundamentally changed since last Thanksgiving.  Hard to believe I didn’t write a blog post last year on the subject.  In the end, there was so much going on....  Oh well....

Its hard not to be thankful for my life and all that’s in it.  I have a wonderful Step-Daughter, who tries my patience quite a bit, but is still one of the most interesting people I’ve ever gotten to know.  She’s crazy, eclectic, and a true unique.  I’m beyond thankful to be in her life, to be loved by her, and to have the respect she chose to give me.

Things you can learn from a Kitten

I’ve always loved being an observer.  Watching something and how it acts and surmising things about how it was brought up, or what makes it work.  Its all learning and science.  Its honestly so much fun.

When we brought home the new kitten, Nyx, we knew a few things, but had to guess at a few others.  One of the major things was, out at our Aunt’s place, she said that some of the cats were vanishing without a trace.  Fact is, she’s a farmer and kind of expects such things and didn’t give it a second thought.

(poem) - The Dance of Love's Life

I’ve danced through life
To a soundtrack that only I’ve heard
I’ve invited you to dance
If you wish to learn

Many have taken me up
On this offer of life’s dance
Only to watch them stumble
Not being able to prance

Happiness is a way of life
That I’ve lived for quite some time
But I only know how to do so
Because I know Sorrow’s every line

So watch as I dance
And twirl around
Can you see me float
Far above the ground?

In real life
I cannot dance
But metaphorically
I do so at every chance

And amazingly I found Lisa
Who has taken my hand
As we danced
She donned my wedding band

Friends may come and go
But I’ve finally found a partner
Who will dance with me
Forever, and ever after

Somewhere along the way
I realized something very important
I’ve danced this dance I’ve danced
Felt pain at every appointment

So that when I got to dance with her
It was the dance that would enthrall her

Because she’s danced
The same dance as me
So that when we found each other
It would be so lovely

That we have both wept with joy
At true love’s beautiful envoy

--Dan

--Want more Poetry?  Check out my Poetry Collection Page!

Music is a Soundtrack to your Life

Have you ever had music that you liked in your life, that later the words opened up and meant something to you?  My life has gone through so many evolutions I struggle to keep track of them all, but through them all is a soundtrack...a list of music that resonated within my soul, and showed me a moment of pure understanding.

Sometimes, music can talk to you.  A friend of mine used to say that you can’t truly love Jimi Hendrix unless he speaks to you.  He said the same of Jim Morrison.  Fact is, neither of those have ever spoken to me.

The Well is Dry

I hate it when the well runs dry.  Its easy to do, hit a point of art where you’ve just created so much recently, you cannot create anymore.  I loathe to admit it, but its happened quite a bit recently.  I think it comes from transcribing so much of Lisa’s book at once.

I typed around 50 pages in a week, on top of writing blog posts, tweeting, doing facebook, talking on social networks to other bloggers, and watching TV with my wife.  By the end of the week, I looked at my blank WordPerfect screen and threw up my hands....

(poem) - A Kitten

Is there anything
A kitten can’t fix?
Especially if that kitten
Has a name like Nyx?

She’s come into our lives
And brightened every day
Suddenly we are all smiles
In every single way

I’m still behind
On what I need to do
But all that can wait
Because I hear a faint “Mew”


She’s quite a handful
And a bundle of joy
Kittens are far too cute
Its almost like a ploy

You fall in love with them
As you help them grow
Then they ignore you
Unless they need food in their bowl

Okay,
That’s alittle unfair
Some cats appreciate
You taking all that care

To raise them up
And to raise them right
So they aren’t scared
Of thunderstorms in the night

They’ll stick by your side
And be your one true friend
Curling up in your lap
Until the very end.

The unconditional love
Of a feline family member
Is one that you will cherish
Until the last day you remember

Very few cats
Have earned a place in my heart
Nyx earned her spot
From the very start

And as she sleeps
Here on my desk
I smile knowing
My future is now that much picturesque

--Dan

--Want more Poetry?  Check out my Poetry Collection Page!

Halloween 2013

I love Halloween.  I always have, even though I was always more or less disappointed by it in my youth.  Its truly something special, now that its far beyond its roots of scaring away the dead, and is all about dressing up as something, or someone you aren’t.

Sure, most women chose to dress up sexy, but in the end, who doesn’t WANT to feel alittle sexy?  Especially when its all just in fun.

(poem) - Inspiration, Take Me Away

I love to be transported
To another place and time
Be it by writing
Or music’s amazing rhyme

Dreams can only
Take you so far
You have to find inspiration
To raise that bar

Is there a better rhyme
Than this American Classic’s Line?

“Give me the beat boys
And save my soul
I want to get lost
In your rock and roll”

That is how I view music
Its why I listen at all
I love to hear the music
While watching the leaves fall

Trust me in this
When I say
I could listen to rock
Every and all day

But then there are times
That motion pictures set up the best lines

Some people can scoff
At the movie Avatar
When I watched it the first time
I dreamed I was seeing a distance star

From a world
I had never seen
A lush land
With tons of green

Sure the people were blue
But I was one of them
Daring to rise up
And share freedom’s dream

I live for moments like these
When I’m transported through outrageous dreams

If I could live
Under another sun
Or be taken away
By rock and rolls sweet fun

Then I would dance along
With my wife
In a place far from here
Without any strife

Because in these places far away
Where inspiration rules the day
My wife and I, in each other’s arms would lay.
Because each other’s love will stay

The funny thing is, no matter what I say
This is my life already, in every way.

--Dan

--Want more Poetry?  Check out my Poetry Collection Page!