Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts

Wednesday, October 28, 2015

The Ominousness of Death

The light of today is a bit dimmer this time around as a particular light switch in my life has been turned off.  My future though, still approaches at a frantic pace, so to the future my eyes will remain.  But never think for a moment that I did not notice the flicker and the diminished brightness of my life.  Goodbye, mom, and may your soul rest in peace now that it no longer has to hold up the pain that the end of your life showed you.


Wednesday, October 7, 2015

My Shame

Have you ever had one of those life events that just opens up some crazy can of worms that has to change everything?  Ever have to tell one of those stories where you don’t know where you should even start?  A story where even the beginning is a poor choice?  Let me try to start it, even though, no matter where I start it, it loses the point.  Ugh….

Recently, my mother passed away.  As with most parental passings it caused quite a bit of emotional discharge from those closest.  And with all emotional discharge comes the things that you just cannot explain.  The problem with starting the story here is that the issues started months before her passing, it started with her getting sick.

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

My Own Search for Happiness

There’s something beautiful to me about stories where some guy goes on some kind of elaborate journey to find happiness.  I think it reminds me of my own journey.  I know at the beginning of it all I felt like it was going to be some epic thing….

My journey started with a simple concept.  Well…I say it was simple.  It all started with the search for love, who I am, what happiness was, and the escape from the madness that dwelled within me from being stuck in the dead end of dead ends.  At 21, I had already had two crazy brushes with love and one relationship where it was obvious that nothing was going to work out.  The pieces of my heart were not going to pick themselves up by themselves and nothing was ever going to be picked up within the confines of the life I was living.  So, I set off….

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

After a Year of College

College life, when pushing forty, is something quite amazing.  Especially going into it married while taking all your classes with your spouse.  I have to admit, my situation is quite a bit more unique than I had planned for.  There are obvious upsides, always having a study partner, getting to spend time with my wife, knowing all the same people….  But the other things, are quite amazing.

First off, my wife and I almost have a cult following at school.  From out councilor holding our relationship as a model for what she wants her future to be, to those that just think we are entirely too cute to being doing it all together.  I mean, sure, it’s one thing to be a cute couple, but we’ve even joke about starting up a Facebook page for those who are fans….  After our first year, we get noticed all over campus, and even off campus.  When we went to the Muskogee Ren Faire, we got noticed more than once out in public.  It was a bit crazy.

Monday, October 6, 2014

She's Been There, from the beginning....

“Well there’s a piece of Maria in every song that I sing.
And the price of a memory is the memory of the sorrow it brings.”
– Mrs. Potter’s Lullaby - Counting Crows

Many lyrics over many years have resonated deeply within me, from Counting Crows’ songs especially.  Mrs. Potter’s Lullaby has a few I quote quite a bit, but the one I just quoted above, has a very specific meaning to me....

Friday, September 5, 2014

(poem) - Nightmares

I remember dreams
Where I’d wake up alive
Landing safely upon the ground
After some fateful, deadly dive

I’m sure the screams
Woke my lover
Because of life’s
Living horror

I missed my chance
To die in the night
Being forced to life
Eternity’s blight

When death visits
In a World gone Mad
Those are the dreams
That are (supposed to be) the best I’ve ever had.

But the horror of living
On without you
Is upon me now
And there is nothing I can do

I fear it now

My bad dreams
Are nightmares of surviving
In a dreary world
Without loving

The world of before
Where living was a tedium
Of managing
Life’s great doldrums

Passing the time away
For when death finally comes
Playing games and watching TV
Ignoring my heart’s rhythmic drum

Yet now I have a reason
To truly live for each day
And I want to seize it all
In every sort of way

But the end of the dream will come
How can it not?
That end visits me in my dreams
Showing me life is all for naught

For in the end
That’s what dreams are for
To show us all the spectrums

Of what we most and least long for


--Want more Poetry?  Check out my Poetry Collection Page!

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Giving Thanks 2013.

Not very much has fundamentally changed since last Thanksgiving.  Hard to believe I didn’t write a blog post last year on the subject.  In the end, there was so much going on....  Oh well....

Its hard not to be thankful for my life and all that’s in it.  I have a wonderful Step-Daughter, who tries my patience quite a bit, but is still one of the most interesting people I’ve ever gotten to know.  She’s crazy, eclectic, and a true unique.  I’m beyond thankful to be in her life, to be loved by her, and to have the respect she chose to give me.

Friday, November 15, 2013

(poem) - The Dance of Love's Life

I’ve danced through life
To a soundtrack that only I’ve heard
I’ve invited you to dance
If you wish to learn

Many have taken me up
On this offer of life’s dance
Only to watch them stumble
Not being able to prance

Happiness is a way of life
That I’ve lived for quite some time
But I only know how to do so
Because I know Sorrow’s every line

So watch as I dance
And twirl around
Can you see me float
Far above the ground?

In real life
I cannot dance
But metaphorically
I do so at every chance

And amazingly I found Lisa
Who has taken my hand
As we danced
She donned my wedding band

Friends may come and go
But I’ve finally found a partner
Who will dance with me
Forever, and ever after

Somewhere along the way
I realized something very important
I’ve danced this dance I’ve danced
Felt pain at every appointment

So that when I got to dance with her
It was the dance that would enthrall her

Because she’s danced
The same dance as me
So that when we found each other
It would be so lovely

That we have both wept with joy
At true love’s beautiful envoy


--Want more Poetry?  Check out my Poetry Collection Page!

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

The Conversation on Religion

I finally heard someone say it....

A few of my friends posted a video on Facebook the other day, and it was a friendly debate between an atheist and a christian on a late night talk show called “Totally Biased.”  They started off talking, and I was impressed how they two were interacting, especially how great the christian guy actually was.

A debate between an atheist and a Christian.

"A debate between an atheist and a Christian has quite a surprising result. You should share this if you wish every disagreement went just like this..." - Upworthy about this clip from Totally Biased with W. Kamau Bell ( W. Kamau Bell)

Posted by Jamie Kilstein on Saturday, April 25, 2015

It never got heated, and both made great points.  But there was one line in there that got me, because I had used it several times before, but he said it quite eloquently:
"So my take is if I get up to Heaven and there is a God and he's like, 'You were wrong, how did you live your life?' And I'm like, 'I tried to help people, I tried to give to charity, I didn't know if you were real, there was no evidence,' and he was like, 'Well, you didn't worship me every day.' And I'm like, 'Fine. Send me wherever is as far away from here as possible because you're a sociopath!'"

THIS is how I feel when christians get all christian on me.  The christian bible is full of analogies, so let me do the one I always say.  “When I go and rescue a dog, I don’t do it so that dog will worship me, I do it to give the dog a better life.”  If I did it to get worshiped, what kind of being am I?

I fully believe we were all given this life to enjoy, this world is beautiful and amazing.  We were all given morality to know right from wrong.  The biggest evil in the world, when you look at it from this direction IS religion.  It has divided us beyond any possible belief.  It might be the point of a popular song, but imagine if there was no religion, and we could work together as the human race?

In the end, I’m not saying anything one way or another, because I don’t know for sure.  But when I look at this world, I don’t want to believe its all some crazy coincidence.  And when I think about everything that’s out there, I know in the end it doesn’t matter.  We are in a huge playground, full of beauty and mystery, if it wasn’t put here for us to enjoy, if it wasn’t put here as a test to see how well we do this thing called life, then there’s something wrong with...well, everything.

To quote another song, “I’m not a slave, to a God, that doesn’t exist.”  No one is a slave.  Most of us learned that slavery is reprehensible, that dictatorships are bad, and freedom on all levels is the most wonderful thing, the right thing.  Why do people break the bonds of others to be willingly enslaved to some factious dictator that the preacher believes is real, that the preacher makes up dogma to control you for?

My advice is the simplest of advices.  Find out for yourself what is out there, find out what you believe before you believe what some book says, or some other man says.  The truth is within you.  It always has been and always will be.

Friday, September 27, 2013

(Poem) - Happily Forever After

Bad days aside
Most are pretty good
Some days can even
Be better than they should

Those days are blessed
Wonderful through and through
Because I simply get to spend
All my time with you

I feel like I belong
I feel like part of something
Something far bigger
Than wearing your wedding ring.

Someday the dog doesn’t scratch
The dog doesn’t grunt
She simply lays there
Performing a silent stunt

Harmony can reign
Within this amazing home
There can be a calm
Without the petulant groans

Of a crazy teenage girl
Who is our entire world
That’s not getting her way
As her life is unfurled

Yes, there are days
Where life it truly the best
In fact there are quite a few
That are far better than the rest

The hammock is crying our name
Swaying in the breeze
There’s not very much better
Than reading our Kindles with ease

It almost seems
As if our life is a fantasy
Yet it is most definitely not
This is our reality

A life full of love
A life full of laughter
I love my wife with my entire soul
For now and for happily forever after.

(( FYI, this poem is actually part 3 in my "3 Post Experience" this week. Experience the low point in part 1, where a bad day reeks havoc in Days Like This.   But of course, every bad day becomes just another tomorrow, where you find out that there are no failures, just unfinished successes.  All you have to do is remember There Will Always Be Days Like Yesterday. ))


--Want more Poetry?  Check out my Poetry Collection Page!

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

An Analogy of Rain

There’s something about driving in the rain.  I’m not sure what it is, maybe its just the grey of the sky, or the memories that flood in, but the wipers flick at a certain beat, and time seems like a vague concept.

I’ve lived a life that I cannot sometimes comprehend.  The way the moonlight shines through the trees, creating shadows at night fills me with a warmth I never expect.  A cold night wind takes that feeling away every time, but it WAS there, I FELT it.

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Life as an Individual

One of the best things in life is being different, but its also one of the hardest things you could ever try to do.  I know, because I went out of my way to be different, to be myself, and the ridicule and flack I got from it, will haunt me the rest of my life.

There are no good role models for individuality.  Most who are revered for being such, have gone to the extremes.  I never went to any extremes, I simply was who I was and am who I am.  I don’t apologize for it, because its others who should apologize to me for trying to pull me into the herd.

Friday, August 2, 2013

(poem) - Passing the Time Away

There is nothing
Like passing the time away

Reading books
Enjoying the hooks
Writing a novel
Can’t be that trivial

Singing a song
Under the rain
Can’t be wrong
Using the brain

Video game are a challenge
If you take the plunge
Experiencing a story
Told through allegory

There is nothing
Like passing the time away

Poetry and rhyming
Are much like breathing
You just start doing it
And never ever quit

Fame and fortune
May never arrive
But I live my life fun
This is for what I strive

Art flows from my fingers
Onto many, many papers
Words forming thoughts
Keeping my wit very taut

There is nothing
Like passing the time away

But not homeless
I work for a bright future
Based on our love for each other

Nothing will keep us apart
The beauty of love brought us together
Every day we create amazing art
All the while, ignoring the weather

The climate of the entire world
Is trying to make our life unfurl
We will make it through this
For, together, we have nothing but time to pass

Fact is
There is nothing
Like passing the time away.


--Want more Poetry?  Check out my Poetry Collection Page!

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

What My Life is About

I always hate looking at my blog topic list and not seeing anything on there I want to write about.  Its not technically writer’s block, or being burnt out, its just...ambiguity I guess.  So much good is going on around me, so much fun.

This blog is going great, I’m loving my camera.  The hammock is such a great place to be, enjoying the hell outta my marriage.  Got my Kindle loaded with books to read, and am writing a novel while helping Lisa write her newest.  Exercise flows decently easy, though I need to do more of it, and I’ve got a great collection of stuff.

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

The time I learned how to pretend to smile.

Most people don’t know this, but I went through a very large portion of my life, faking laughter and smiles.  I actually got quite good at it.  At times, its hard not to think about that period of my life as the ‘dark time’ but the fact is, there was quite a bit of good in it.

During that time, I had completely given up on happiness, and started to acquire habits that were extremely hard to get rid of.  I suppose that’s how its supposed to work, the whole idle hands thing.

The most interesting part about this is, though, that I’d bet most don’t know when that time was for me.  I guess that’s also kinda sad, as this period of my life was the most influential of any other time in my life.

You know the old psychology question, “If life is a play, and everyone has their part, what part do you play?”  Are you the lead character?  Are you a supporting character?  Are an antagonist?  Lets get a bit outside the box, are you maybe the director?  Script writer?  Producer?  Better yet...what part do you think I play?

During the most unhappy portion of my life, I learned that I was the audience.  That’s right, I’m the one sitting in the crowd watching it all.

The cool thing is, I pay attention, I learn from watching other people’s mistakes.  I’ve watched romances, death, degradation, and hilarity.  I’ve witnessed just about every plot life can throw at someone.  I watched how people reacted in those situations, and came up with conclusions.

Then, I hit highschool.  Suddenly, I could answer people’s life’s questions.  They’d come to me for all manor of questions, and I could sit back, think about it, and give them an honest answer.  Suddenly I was a ‘wise man’ that could help even the most lost individual.

It was an odd transition, going from this well of unhappiness, of being lost in life, of just existing, to what I became.  I pulled together friends from all aspects of highschool life, and somehow we formed a family.  The nerdy smart kids hung around with some jocks who hung around with the creative outcasts.  And we all sat at the same table at lunch, far away from the cafeteria.

During that time of unhappiness, there WERE moments of joy, but they were few and far between.  I would wear a particular piece of clothing to school every day, and somehow identify with it.  On the weekends I had friends outside of school, the neighborhood kids, to hang with.  I had video games and Star Trek The Next Generation.  My imagination ran free and wild, and I sat back and watched life happen for so many people.

I’ve always said that one must appreciate the darkness within their own soul to truly understand the light.  I have met people in life, that saw the darkness behind my eyes, and got scared and ran from my life.  I’ve met those that were attracted to it for all the wrong reasons.

What I can tell you is this.  I wouldn’t change my life, because it made me who I am.  It definitely wasn’t a horrible life, just at times it just overflowed with unhappiness, which isn’t exactly sadness.  I’d do it all again for sure, without hesitation.  Life is special and beautiful, and to think about it versus never existing, seems ludicrous on an insane level.  I am who I am because I was allowed to become me naturally.  Its hard not to be grateful, awe-inspired, and moved all at the same time.  And it all happened, because I lived a portion of my life, where I had to learn how to fake laughter and smilies.

Friday, January 18, 2013

(poem) - Looking Forward to Marriage

The wedding is coming
The date is finally set
I cannot wait
For marriage’s onset

I’ve waited a lifetime
For her to come around
A year before I found her
Towards her, was I bound.

Life and circumstances
Break upon the shore
Reminding us that only Fate’s hand
Can open the door

Yet we must walk through it
And be as bold as we can
To see what there is to see
Of what could be the promised land

I know that I for one
Am looking forward to my life
Because since I met her
Its been more free of strife

Speed bumps
Will always be there
But what I am capable of
Cannot compare

To anything life throws
Because its not throwing at me
Its throwing at us
Because I am part of a We

And We are stronger
Than I have ever been
Because we work together
Towards whatever end.


--Want more Poetry?  Check out my Poetry Collection Page!

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Karmatic Revenge

Its hard for me not to full on believe in karmatic revenge.  After all I’ve experienced in life, it seems that every good I do is countered by some form of bad.  Its almost like no matter how happy I am, something has to remind me to appreciate it.  At least, I think that’s the best way to see it.

I honestly do not care that karmatic is not picked up by spell checkers.  I think it should be.  At least its fully in the Urban Dictionary, I’d hate to have to make up a whole new word just to get across a point.

Monday, December 17, 2012

An Empty House

There was a moment, when being home alone was such a great concept.  You figure, as I blog from home, and I spend much of my time blogging in seclusion, that having the whole house to myself would help engineer more creativity.  Yet for some reason it doesn’t.

I guess its true them, I’m too much in love to be alone.  That’s one thing, I don’t think, any of my exes ever got.  I don’t like to be left alone.  Being in love with a person, really moves that person to the forefront of my life.  That person become my muse.  And without them casually interrupting me for something as simple as a kiss, I get distracted and start missing them.

Friday, December 7, 2012

(poem) Sins of the Past

Is all the pain
That I have felt
Equal to or more
Than the pain I have dealt?

Surely it is less
But who can honestly tell
That we take
More than we give hell?

Its been an amazing life
To be sure
I just pray
There is no more pain to endure.

The loneliness is gone
Replaced with a wife
And her teenage fawn

The past is behind me
The future is so bright
How did my life
Suddenly turn out right?

Did I pay
For the sins of old
I swear that I have paid
The sum total of threefold

I guess I shall see
As time goes forever on
If it was enough
For me to have a happy dawn

That will spread
Throughout the noon of my life
And continue through
The afternoon with my wife

So we can
Grow old together
And never worry
About nary a blunder


--Want more Poetry?  Check out my Poetry Collection Page!

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

A Great Love

I love random acts of love.  I’m sure most people would simply say we are still in the ‘honeymoon’ phase, but after a year, we are still very much enamored with each other.  There’s nothing quite like sitting here, concentrating on something, then BOOM, being drawn into a kiss.

Much of my poetry of late has been very mushy, and romantic, and centered on Lisa.  The reason is pretty obvious, as I’ve never been so happy.  Finally finding someone that understands me, in her own odd way, has been the greatest gift ever.

A Brainless Nod - Find me on


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