The time I learned how to pretend to smile.

Most people don’t know this, but I went through a very large portion of my life, faking laughter and smiles.  I actually got quite good at it.  At times, its hard not to think about that period of my life as the ‘dark time’ but the fact is, there was quite a bit of good in it.

During that time, I had completely given up on happiness, and started to acquire habits that were extremely hard to get rid of.  I suppose that’s how its supposed to work, the whole idle hands thing.



The most interesting part about this is, though, that I’d bet most don’t know when that time was for me.  I guess that’s also kinda sad, as this period of my life was the most influential of any other time in my life.

You know the old psychology question, “If life is a play, and everyone has their part, what part do you play?”  Are you the lead character?  Are you a supporting character?  Are an antagonist?  Lets get a bit outside the box, are you maybe the director?  Script writer?  Producer?  Better yet...what part do you think I play?

During the most unhappy portion of my life, I learned that I was the audience.  That’s right, I’m the one sitting in the crowd watching it all.

The cool thing is, I pay attention, I learn from watching other people’s mistakes.  I’ve watched romances, death, degradation, and hilarity.  I’ve witnessed just about every plot life can throw at someone.  I watched how people reacted in those situations, and came up with conclusions.

Then, I hit highschool.  Suddenly, I could answer people’s life’s questions.  They’d come to me for all manor of questions, and I could sit back, think about it, and give them an honest answer.  Suddenly I was a ‘wise man’ that could help even the most lost individual.

It was an odd transition, going from this well of unhappiness, of being lost in life, of just existing, to what I became.  I pulled together friends from all aspects of highschool life, and somehow we formed a family.  The nerdy smart kids hung around with some jocks who hung around with the creative outcasts.  And we all sat at the same table at lunch, far away from the cafeteria.



During that time of unhappiness, there WERE moments of joy, but they were few and far between.  I would wear a particular piece of clothing to school every day, and somehow identify with it.  On the weekends I had friends outside of school, the neighborhood kids, to hang with.  I had video games and Star Trek The Next Generation.  My imagination ran free and wild, and I sat back and watched life happen for so many people.

I’ve always said that one must appreciate the darkness within their own soul to truly understand the light.  I have met people in life, that saw the darkness behind my eyes, and got scared and ran from my life.  I’ve met those that were attracted to it for all the wrong reasons.

What I can tell you is this.  I wouldn’t change my life, because it made me who I am.  It definitely wasn’t a horrible life, just at times it just overflowed with unhappiness, which isn’t exactly sadness.  I’d do it all again for sure, without hesitation.  Life is special and beautiful, and to think about it versus never existing, seems ludicrous on an insane level.  I am who I am because I was allowed to become me naturally.  Its hard not to be grateful, awe-inspired, and moved all at the same time.  And it all happened, because I lived a portion of my life, where I had to learn how to fake laughter and smilies.

Moralist Values, and the lack of.

I’m so thankful that my parents laid the groundwork for my moral outlook on life. I was taught right from wrong, taught faith in a higher power, and gained insight on how children should be raised. Moral values are key to living a good, solid life, full of the happiness I have found with Dan.

I am astounded now, how people simply have no morals, and yet they still exist just fine. One of the biggest things I don’t understand is how some families seem to teach these morals to one kid, then celebrate another kid not having any morals worth repeating. Admittedly, I only have one child, but I’d be damned if I favored the one that broke laws, both man made and those of a higher power, over the kid that tried hard to make it in life with their morals held high.

(poem) - Envoy of my happiness

How did I not know
My life was so bad
Before I had you
As my bride?

The day to day
Meandering pace
Of simply avoiding
The mirror’s face