The Scars of a Past Relationship

There’s nothing quite like the smallest things in the world to make you realize you are happy.  I’ve talked before, about having some bad girlfriends in the past, one the most overall.  Today I want to talk about trust, what it means to me, and what my experiences have been like because of trust, and the lack there of.

I’m currently sitting at my desk, typing away, and the Victoria's Secret Christmas Catalog is sitting so close to me, I’m having to put my trackball/mouse in an awkward position because its in the way.  Its there because it came in the mail today, and we’re going to look through it later and see what all my fiancé might want for Christmas out of it.


Its so funny to think of, when I think back at my old love life, that I’m sitting here next to such a thing, because there was one ex in my past that would have taken my head clean off for even knowing there WAS such a catalog.  This girl would not trust me, no matter what I said or did.  And honestly, it was probably the darkest period in my life.

I remember so many things about that year that she lived with me, such emotions flowed that it etched itself onto my core.  Everyone I’ve ever told about that time, always marvels about why I kept her around, and the answer has never been easy.  The easiest way to explain it, in any terms anyone can understand, is simply:

It was my first real relationship.  Before that, I had dated, kissed, even food around with women, but none of those moved to any form of ‘next level’ and died out quickly.  This particular one did, and honestly, I wanted it to work.  So I put up with stuff that I honestly shouldn’t have.  I wanted it so bad, that I changed parts of myself.  I stopped looking at women at all, not even glancing in their direction.

The girl was insecure with herself, though she had no real right to be.  But she also carried a double standard, as she started dabbling with nude photography, and having online discussions with other people doing nudes, including men.  All this, and I’m a guy that doesn’t think about women as erotic objects, I see the innate beauty in the female form and admire it, and become inspired by it.

I’ve never fought like that, with anyone, in my entire life.  I wanted something that honestly just wasn’t there, and after a year of having her live with me, she finally moved on.  She found some guy in a video game, from another country, to latch on to, and finally moved out to be on her own.  I had never been so happy to lose in love, and it all made me realize that I need to find a woman who can respect and trust me for who I am.

The scars from that relationship still linger.  Before that relationship, I would have laughingly tossed the Victoria's Secret Catalog sitting next to me and not even opened it up.  But now that blonde woman in the red bra seems to be actually staring at me....  But its all in vein for her, because Lisa believes in who I am, and knows I love her, and her alone.  She knows that when my eyes roam in real life, I might not be looking at a woman at all, I could just be looking at a pretty tree in the distance.

My life is now a refreshing place to be, and this relationship is wonderful, because I can honestly be myself.  For the first time, I don’t get ridiculed at all for saying what’s on my mind, or for being who I want to be.  My life’s decisions are backed up, and all my dreams are believed in.

After that particular ex, I think my priorities in life changed, because I realized that love wasn’t the perfect thing that dreams and movies and songs made it out to be.  My life took a darker turn where I couldn’t love the way I wanted.  The subsequent girlfriends set the tone, they weren’t as bad as that particular one, but they all confirmed this feeling that lingered, that true love was a myth.

Then, somehow, I found Lisa, and not only did she make me realize that true love actually does exist, its more wonderful than anything my dreams entailed.  It eclipses any movie romance I’ve ever seen, and no songs do justice to what we’ve found and cultivated together.

So this is my life now, being in love, being trusted after having truly earned it, and being supported in my every thought.  There are too many words to describe this moment.  Blessed, luck, fate, destiny.  All I know is, this blonde girl, with the red bra, sure she might be looking right at me, but I honestly don’t care.  I have never been tempted, nor will I ever be tempted, because I’ve found something far better than a lustful stare from a hot almost naked woman.  I’ve found the woman I’m going to marry and live happily ever after with, and that is where my happiness resides.

So, dear reader, is it hard for you to trust, or be trusted in a relationship?  Do you get the “look but don’t touch” way of life, or are you the type of person that “looks but isn’t interested at all?”  Have you had a relationship in the past that scarred you?  How much will (or have) you put up with in a relationship?  Do you believe in true love, or are you settling for the best option, which is pretty darn good?

–Dan