There is nothing like falling in love, especially the first time. Part of me will always envy those first loves that get married out of highschool and live their lives together happy for another sixty to eighty years. To bad it hardly ever works out like that.
I remember my first love well. She broke my heart in so many ways, but most of those ways were important. I had great potential as a person, yet I was squandering it. I had dropped out of college in the first year, was living with my parents, and spending eight to ten hours a day writing a novel that wasn’t completely thought out.
I wrote her letters, printed from my computer, because it was before email, that were ten to twenty pages every week, if not twice a week. I was full of this ‘poet’s muse’ that just made me have to write. Some of the best writing I did was during that time, yet the worst writing I ever did was during that time as well.
My first love destroyed my image of the world. She ended up finding her ‘perfect guy;’ or, as she put it, her ‘John Galt.’ He was an overweight guy who’s father owned a ranch. He was born rich, and didn’t need to work, but he was bored so he took a job at Wal-Mart. So, she ended up marrying this rich guy and, from what I understand, they are still happily married to this day.
But me, on the other hand, I went through a dramatic transition. I got off my ass, worked my butt off, and moved 1600 miles to a place I didn’t know, where I knew no one, all just because I needed to get away. It was the push I needed, and the life I needed to live. I definitely don’t suggest it to anyone, most people were shocked and wanted to make me their hero, but it was a struggle the likes of which I cannot imagine.
Through it all, I found other ‘loves’ that came and went, but nothing compared to the first love. I stared dreamily into the night sky using her personality and the way I viewed her, as my guide to live life. She inspired me to do what I did, mainly because she told me once, about how much promise I had, and how she could have fallen for what I ‘could be’ but not for what I was.
In the end, through it all, she was right. At the time, I was not something worth loving. I bounced around for years, discovering myself. Finding out that I’m a great worker, have a far bigger imagination than I had dreamed, and could have done so many more things with my life than what I did.
I stood atop mountains, hiked forests, worked my ass off, made money, lost money, owned a house, lost it to the bank. Raised kittens into cats, and watched these friends grow old and die, loving me without prejudice. And through it all, I learned one important lesson.
Your first love will probably not work out, it will probably break your heart. But there is someone out there better, that you have to live your life to be ready for. Someone worth being the perfect you for, because that person will only deserve your best. I lived a crazy life, loved and lost, probably failed more times than I have ever succeeded, but it led me to Lisa. I fully believe I lived my entire life strictly to be ready to be the man I am for her. What I feel for her is a different love than I did for my first love. And I’m happy for that, its more mature, more understanding, and more wonderful than anything I could have ever had with that young girl who shattered my heart so long ago, and started this Journey that was my life.
I leave you with a quote from Star Trek: TNG of all places. Wesley Crusher experienced his first love in an episode called The Dauphin, and they ended up having to part. Heartbroken Guinan comes in to comfort him, and this is their conversation:
Wesley Crusher: I'm never gonna feel this way about anyone else.
Guinan: You're right.
Wesley Crusher: I didn't expect you to say that.
Guinan: There'll be others. But every time you feel love, it'll be different. Every time it's different.
Wesley Crusher: Knowing that doesn't make it any easier.
Guinan: It's not supposed to.
Live your life and be the person you are meant to be, that way, when you find your true love, you will be ready. I can almost assure you, no matter how you feel or felt about your first love, they definitely weren’t your true love. Trust me, I lived my life constantly comparing loves that crossed my path with my first love, until one day I found someone who doesn’t compare to that heart breaking, evil girl at all. I found a woman, more beautiful than any fantasy or dream I ever had, and best of all, when I ask, she said yes, and when I say I do, so will she. This is now my happily ever after, and what a fairy tale it is....
–Dan
