When Friends Leave

I often have to inform people that I’m not quite affected the same way other people are by death. I mean, it’s true. When I look at people who have left my life, those that have left involuntarily through death tend to hurt far less than those that just up and leave because they chose to go. Unfortunately, though, sometimes that’s not the full story. Sometimes a death hurts worse, but just in a far different way.

Once upon a time, I had a really amazing friend. I kept him all through high school and beyond. We stayed close friends for decades. Phil was one of the few friends I had that visited me when I moved 1500+ miles away from my hometown, and he was the only person to have done it twice, and that includes my parents, which if you have read the blog, you know that’s a whole other issue….

Phil was the best man at my wedding, and the only one of my friends that visited here in my new home with my wife, and he did it multiple times. We went to concerts together, ate some of the best food, and truly had an amazing time. I still miss him coming to visit, it was a real highlight.

For those that know me, they know that I enjoy talking. My wife often jests about the time we first started talking, about how our conversations would burn long into the night, and she would go to sleep on the phone with me. It’s just who I am. At the time, I chatted with a few friends online, I had several people to talk to, each kind of falling into a niche. Some of my friends I wouldn’t talk to for ages, then have a quick chat. Either way, I tried to make sure that all my talks with my friends were deep and substantive. I truly enjoy that kind of thing.

Phil, though, would send me meme after meme, quote after quote. This was far before TikTok and I’m sure many of the memes had some reference to something going on in his life, but there was never any context. When I’d try to discuss it with him, I never knew how to approach the subject matter he was trying to represent. It was awkward and the memes just kept coming.

The thing is, Phil and I had a ton in common. He was (probably might still be) a programmer. I enjoy the hell out of tech. I always wanted to talk with him about code, but he never seemed to want to. It was like he equated coding with his job and wanted to stay away from it. I am a huge gamer, he was at one time. He ended up getting on a health kick and walking away from video games altogether. It was one less connection we’d have.

One day I tried to point out the fact that I sometimes enjoyed the memes but would rather have a conversation. And he exploded. He took offense, compared my comment to one of the rude people in our lives that we really didn’t care for, and simply walked out of my life never to be seen again. This left me with a void that I could only fill with anger and shock. To this day I still can’t believe he took such offense to such a small statement, especially when my intent was that I wanted a deeper connection than memes that I had no context for.

I met Jim later in life, while in college with my wife. Jim was the same(ish) age as my wife and I and we instantly found a bond over tons of mutual things. Jim held a PhD and challenged me in my nerdiness to really embrace everything that I loved. We had deep conversations and we could talk about literally anything, from conspiracy theories to some of the most amazing scientific discoveries.

There is a point I’m going to put here because I don’t know where else to put it because it really doesn’t fit anywhere. Phil and Jim, their friendship with me overlapped. There is a txt thread that has me and both of them in it. It is full of meme after meme after meme posted by Phil. I honestly haven’t spent the time to scroll to the top of it to see what the text thread originally started as. It probably started because some of the times Phil visited he joined our D&D group.

Speaking of Dungeons and Dragons, I got back into it when I was in college. I dungeon mastered for a few groups and they were great, but it was hard to hold them all together. But then Jim joined. We took it to the next level. We actually used a mirror and created a contraption to put on an overhead projector to project our map onto the table. That’s how enthusiastic we both were about the hobby. And it made me jump in fully. When I created maps and stories, he was the one I thought about trying to impress. He was the one always most impressed….

I got my wife into Legos. I knew Jim enjoyed Legos as well. There were many a moment we’d build something together and my wife would say, “Take a picture and send it to Jim.” One such set was the Lego Millennium Falcon. The big one. We enjoy Lego sets so much we got the light kits. One of the joys was being able to invite Jim down to help install that light kit. You see, after building that monstrosity, my wife didn’t want to have to take parts of it back apart and then put them back together. I don’t blame her, that set was a work of art. Jim came down and helped put that light kit in, and vicariously, it was like he got to help build one of his favorite Lego sets. It now sits above me and to the left, just in my peripheral vision.

I talked daily with Jim about everything. Computer issues and programming issues. We had a course that we bought on Udemy we were going to take together. I introduced him to tv shows and movies, he did the same with me. I even shared tons of the creative process of writing with him. During the D&D game, sure, some of the players take notes, but Jim took extensive notes. He drew pictures, colorized the spines, and really embellished them as keepsakes he was cherishing.

During the night of April 11th, or the early morning of April 12th, Jim passed away in his sleep. Our last conversation, if you can call it that, was about how part of my computer died. The D&D campaign hit a new map that I was so excited for him to see, another player snuck ahead and saw it and brought the description back to the rest of the party, Jim never got to see it himself. Besides my wife, Jim would be the one I’d have to talk to about what I’m feeling right now.

Today, on the 13th of April, as I write this, I know that I am missing Jim for purely selfish reasons. There is a void now, in my life that was simply his presence. He had his own life, completely other friends, and I know that my involvement in his life was as honestly small as his involvement in my life was. He was a musician, a father, a husband, a friend, a scientist, a professor, and one of the most amazing human beings I’ve ever met.

When Phil walked away from my life, I was stunned, angry, and flippant. That kind of friend leaving hits like straight up betrayal. Every time a moment comes up in my life I want to tell Phil about I honestly feel elation that he doesn’t get to know about it because he chose to leave, so he doesn’t get to hear about the good shit.

When my mom passed, it had been at the end of a few bouts of cancer. I was trying to accomplish something with my life. It was easy to carry on because I knew that I was living a life that would make her proud. When my dad passed, I was elated because that fucker was finally dead. Did I mention that he admitted to “helping mom along” with her death because he was tired of spending all his retirement on her medical bills? Yeah, that’s another story….

But Jim’s passing is honestly the most significant loss I think I’ve ever sustained. There is literally nothing more to do than just accept the fact that he’s gone and keep moving. There will be more moments that I can imagine that I’ll want to share with him, but I won’t be able to. I wonder how long it will be before I won’t think, “I need to share this with Jim.” Hell, I still have a Lego set sitting aside, waiting for him to come help me put on its light kit.

I wonder if the D&D game will survive, I’m sure it will, because I have 3 other players who are invested quite a bit. But Jim was the lynchpin player. Some of the daily conversations we had were about the campaign, about the story, about the history of the world. I had that with no other player.

So, yeah, right now I’m grieving in my own way. Realizing that the world is a far lonelier place without him. But I’m also truly smiling at the fact that I had such an amazing friend. Not only that, but I made sure that he knew he was appreciated, so there’s absolutely no regrets at all. My life is so much better now because of his presence in it.

Jim, you will be missed, my friend. Thanks for officiating my 5th anniversary vow renewal. Thanks for helping me with the Lego light kits and my crazy household projects. Thanks for the countless texts and messages about things that only mattered to us.

Goodbye.

I Have Published My First Book

The Ballad of the Emerald Bard: Opus 01 - The Suite of Seduction, Lost Love, and Revenge.  Is Available Now!

It has been a very long time in coming.  Beyond a long time, really.  So many folks had expected me to publish something right out of high school.  And indeed, I have written quite a bit.  It has been a long road, with life constantly getting in my way.

With the start of the blog, I knew above all else, that I was going to write a fantasy story and put it out there.  The Ballad of the Emerald Bard was wonderfully received, yes, but let’s face it, this blog is more of a hobby.

An Announcement

An Announcement:

I am sure many have already noticed, but I have removed the Ballad of the Emerald Bard from the website.  Why you may ask?  The time has come for the next phase in Deeya’s life.  I am going to publish the Ballads into novel length collections of short stories.  These new editions are unedited (as Blogspot’s policies stated I could not publish “adult” content and still have AdSpace), extended editions that fit together better now that they no longer have to be broken up in serial format.

What this means is, soon, you will be able to buy hard cover, physical editions, as well as a digital edition for you Kindle.  On top of these new versions of the stories, which are radically different, there will be brand new stories!  In the first Opus, the first story is now a much better introduction to the character, showing her range, secrets, and morality.

Anyways, stay tuned for more info!

--Dan

Ipsy Glambag - November, 2015 "Beauty Blast" - Opening

My second Ipsy Bag arrived the Friday before Thanksgiving, and needless to say, I was beyond excited for this one.  I’m getting to where receiving this small bag of makeup is a monthly highlight.  Even though I peeked online to see what I was getting, and trust me, when I saw the Smashbox item it was hard not to cheer out loud, I was still almost drooling when I received the bright metallic pink mailing envelope.  So, let’s see what’s inside!




The card this month: “Beauty Blast.”  The caption on the back:  “The stars are aligning, your November Glam Bag is a universe of brilliant beauties. Twinkle, twinkle, darling.  It’s time to light up the sky.”

A Make-up Routine

My wonderful husband has asked me to write another blog.  Of course I said yes.  (Well…after he asked me a few times….)  At first I didn’t know what to write about.  Then it hit me.  I remember last week when I took my daughter into college with us.  I sat on the front row and my daughter, C.J. sat in the seat next to me.  A lady a few seats over said, “So, you brought you’re little sister to class with you?”

Of course I smiled while my daughter looked at her like she just hit her and said, “No, she’s my mom!”

The lady’s mouth opened and she said, “Are you kidding me?”

The Ominousness of Death

The light of today is a bit dimmer this time around as a particular light switch in my life has been turned off.  My future though, still approaches at a frantic pace, so to the future my eyes will remain.  But never think for a moment that I did not notice the flicker and the diminished brightness of my life.  Goodbye, mom, and may your soul rest in peace now that it no longer has to hold up the pain that the end of your life showed you.

--

Ipsy Bag - October, 2015 "Alter Ego" - Opening

After watching many videos about a few different subscription boxes, I finally took the plunge and went with the Ipsy Glam Bag (If you sign up, be sure to tell'm LisaBonser sent you!).  And my first bag came!  I cannot tell you how excited I am to finally open my first Ipsy bag!

First off, the package is a bright pink bubble packet.  Normally I don’t like pink, but the fact that it is more metallic makes it quite pretty.

Ipsy, itself, is a $10.00 a month subscription bag that has makeup, skin care, nail polish, and tons more.  This is the October, 2015 bag.  I went with this bag because of the many YouTube videos of women unboxing theirs live.  Since I’m a writer, I chose to do it this way.  Anyways, let’s open this thing up and see what I got!

My Shame

Have you ever had one of those life events that just opens up some crazy can of worms that has to change everything?  Ever have to tell one of those stories where you don’t know where you should even start?  A story where even the beginning is a poor choice?  Let me try to start it, even though, no matter where I start it, it loses the point.  Ugh….

Recently, my mother passed away.  As with most parental passings it caused quite a bit of emotional discharge from those closest.  And with all emotional discharge comes the things that you just cannot explain.  The problem with starting the story here is that the issues started months before her passing, it started with her getting sick.

Common Core for Dummies

For my English Comp 2 class, I chose Common Core for one of the two major research papers.  This paper was actually pretty fun to research, because it was about education in Oklahoma.  I already knew, after moving here and seeing the step-daughter's school system is one of the worst school systems I have ever personally seen....

The fact is, Oklahoma ranks extremely low in its education and it shows.  If something isn't done to fix this runaway state government, we'll find that Oklahoma will be dragging the entire state down into the abyss of uneducation....  Anyways, here's the research paper, hope you enjoy it!

I've Never Said I Was a Hero

Many times on my blog, including the future, I’ve written about the villains in my life.  I’ve had many, many people do me wrong over the years, or simply be evil people.  Every time I think I see one that is the winner, someone else shows up to take the cake.  From the drugged up woman whom I used to live next to that berated her children in public, to the mother-in-law, to my own dad, I’ve seen a ton of people do truly bullshit things to people or even to me.

But I’m here to say that I’m not immune to the evils.  In fact, I’ve never claimed to be a hero, I’ve been a villain in many a person’s story.  How could I be human and not be?  But in the end, I have to live the best life I can, and sometimes that means stepping on toes.

Net Neutrality and Academia

There's no ifs-ans-or butts about it, Net Neutrality is a huge issue that changes weekly.  For my English 2 class, I wrote this paper as the first of two major Research Papers due over the Semester.  Honestly, it was probably the most fun research paper I've ever done.

Why?  Mainly because I didn't honestly know that much about Net Neutrality and I've found that most people don't.  Over the course of the research, I found many amazing websites that broke it down in amazing ways.  I found writing this paper the most informative thing I've ever done about any form of issue.  I hope you enjoy it!

My Own Search for Happiness

There’s something beautiful to me about stories where some guy goes on some kind of elaborate journey to find happiness.  I think it reminds me of my own journey.  I know at the beginning of it all I felt like it was going to be some epic thing….

My journey started with a simple concept.  Well…I say it was simple.  It all started with the search for love, who I am, what happiness was, and the escape from the madness that dwelled within me from being stuck in the dead end of dead ends.  At 21, I had already had two crazy brushes with love and one relationship where it was obvious that nothing was going to work out.  The pieces of my heart were not going to pick themselves up by themselves and nothing was ever going to be picked up within the confines of the life I was living.  So, I set off….

After a Year of College

College life, when pushing forty, is something quite amazing.  Especially going into it married while taking all your classes with your spouse.  I have to admit, my situation is quite a bit more unique than I had planned for.  There are obvious upsides, always having a study partner, getting to spend time with my wife, knowing all the same people….  But the other things, are quite amazing.

First off, my wife and I almost have a cult following at school.  From out councilor holding our relationship as a model for what she wants her future to be, to those that just think we are entirely too cute to being doing it all together.  I mean, sure, it’s one thing to be a cute couple, but we’ve even joke about starting up a Facebook page for those who are fans….  After our first year, we get noticed all over campus, and even off campus.  When we went to the Muskogee Ren Faire, we got noticed more than once out in public.  It was a bit crazy.

The Absense of Creativity in the Classroom is Killing the Future

After interviewing my teacher friend from North Carolina, I realized that most of the data I was writing my research paper on was almost null and void.  Since the No Child Left Behind Act of 2001, there has been a new curriculum introduced, but again, it is being hamstrung by the politicians.  Only time will tell how much has actually changed, but honestly, I doubt much will.

My final paper was turned in on 12/8/14.  Its pretty long, but everyone that read it liked it, and some people who only read part of it wanted to read all of it....  As of right now (as I write this) I honestly don't know what grade I got, or the comments on it.  Hopefully I'll get it back from my teacher when I see her in the hallways.

Anyways, I hope you enjoy my final paper in English 1113.

Proposal for Research Paper

For my third and final major essay, the research paper, I had to write a proposal to write about what I wanted to write about.  The umbrella topic was education, and my first thoughts went to how education is broken in the USA.  From the concept that you cannot have imagination and grow up, to the leeching of fun out of it, to the idea that the entire high school system is based on trying to get people into an industrial plant, its all broken.

So, I thought and thought about how to write this short little thing, hoping it would end up being okay, and apparently it was.  So here it is, the proposal for my research paper:

Go See a Play at the Local Playhouse

My second major essay for English Composition I was the Community Observation paper.  which was turned in on Halloween of 2014.  In this one, we had to go around the local community of Tahlequah, OK and find something to write about.  I chose the NSU Theatre Company, which is the college's theatrical company which has a Playhouse just off campus in downtown Tahlequah.

Even if you are not living in that area, I still suggest you go check out your local theatrical company, they work very hard to put on a great show, and many times raise money for local charities.

I ended up getting a 97 on this one.  I had a few run on sentences.  I actually went back and edited this one a bit after her comments, because I gave it to the NSUTC's coordinator, Dr. Robyn Pursley, whom I interviewed for the paper.  My teacher's comment at the end was, "Good work!  You present engaging material supported with evidence."

How Reading and Writing Showed Me How to Live

As part of my time in college, I took English Composition I and had to write a few essays.  Three of them were a major part of my grade.  The first essay was the Personal Narrative Essay which was turned in on Sept. 10th. 2014.

I ended up getting a 98 out of 100 on it.  The final comment said, "Your essay provides ample everyday imagery and detail to fully address the prompt.  Your ideas are complete and engaging.  Watch out for sentence fragments and grammar."

Anyways, many people wanted to read it for themselves, so here it is, I hope you enjoy it!

Free Write 05

Now that I've gone and aced my English Composition I class I've decided to share some of the selections of writing that I had to do in it.  Every Monday morning we had to pull out a sheet of paper and free write an essay over some subject or another for part of the participation grade.  Of course I didn't put dates on any of them so I don't know in what order they are, or when some of them were, but here is the last one I'm sharing.

Not sure exactly what we were asked to write about on this one, but I obviously wrote about how high school kills the joy of reading and writing, along with a great number of other things.  It was one of the basis's of my final paper.

Free Write 04

Now that I've gone and aced my English Composition I class I've decided to share some of the selections of writing that I had to do in it.  Every Monday morning we had to pull out a sheet of paper and free write an essay over some subject or another for part of the participation grade.  Of course I didn't put dates on any of them so I don't know in what order they are, or when some of them were, but here is the fourth one I'm sharing.

Apparently this particular one was about argumentation.  Every time I think about the word argumentation, this is the gist of what I think about:

Free Write 03

Now that I've gone and aced my English Composition I class I've decided to share some of the selections of writing that I had to do in it.  Every Monday morning we had to pull out a sheet of paper and free write an essay over some subject or another for part of the participation grade.  Here is another one with a date, amazingly enough.  12/1/14.

In this third free write I'm sharing, we were to write about our Thanksgiving.  Man, thanksgiving 2014 was a rough one....  Unfortunately I didn't really have time to make it as long as I wanted to, as so much went crazy...but I did the best I could.  I hope you enjoy this one!